A Bit Of Fantasy

'Cos a little bit of fantasy will make me feel really good right now...

In my fantasy I have completed the lyrics for The Sun Will Shine Again which now sit about 2/3 completed ...
I have emailed them to Michael Schenker who, of course loves them and wants to write the music with me so that the song may appear on his band's next album.

He somehow manages to get himself back into the US to meet me and do this. We spend many hours writing beautiful music together and getting to know each other. Afterwards, instead of doing something foolish together, we decide to instead attend an AA meeting where we both manage to find the courage to do the things that we currently fear doing to get our lives in order...

And we live happily ever after...
together...
having really wild sex every night!

Hey, I DID say that this was a fantasy....

I Wish

That it was a bit warmer. Not being able to move around in this house that is not climate controlled is driving me crazy. I'm tired of shivering. I'm tired of not being able to leave these three gawd-awful rooms, especially since it is NOT impossible for me to do so. It is just that my loving family won't put forth the effort to get me out of here no matter how depressed I get.

All I do is sit around all day worrying about things which I would normally blow off, too much time on my hands. I'm beginning to feel physically ill because of it, but no one seems to understand.

I want to be numb. I want these next three weeks to pass in a haze. I want to sleep through them or something. I beg for someone to get me a bottle of vodka or even wine, but no one will oblige me...

My one friend who helps me through the boredom and insanity of these days (via email) cannot be online for the next few days. My computer is so old that I can't run any messenger programs without other things crashing (I'm memory deficient)...

I feel so isolated and depressed

HELP!!!!

Manic Monday

It's time for Lisa's meme again!

Have you ever danced under the stars?
I'm not much of a dancer, under the stars or anywhere else...
Now, making love under the stars, that's a different story!

Have you ever listened in on a private conversation?
Yes, and as was my due, i didn't like a damned thing that I heard.

Have you ever splurged on something you normally wouldn't purchase? What was it?
Yes...


$260....

A Moment Of Silence, Please

Kentucky Derby winner, Barbaro, was put down early this morning due to yet more complications arising from injuries he sustained in last year's Preakness...



This beautiful young colt was loved by many and will be missed. His "horsely courage" throughout his ordeals should be an inspiration to us all.

I hope that he has found peace and happiness in Horsie Heaven, for surely God has created such a place...

A Typical Boring Day

Get up.
Watch a few stupid cartoons while having a cup of coffee.
Sponge bath.
Get dressed and head for computer.
Catch up with groups on Last FM and feed my neopets.
Eat lunch.
Go back to my groups and pets.
Eat Dinner.
Respond to emails which begin to arrive now that my friends are home from school and work.
Watch TV on the couch for an hour or so.
Go back to the computer and my online friends until Star Trek comes on at 1 A. M.
Get into recliner with blankets and watch Star Trek with my oldest son, Ray.
Curl up and go to sleep in recliner...

WOW! Isn't that exciting?

I guess I'll be following this routine for at least three more weeks, unless someone obliges me by buying some booze. Then "Get completely trashed" can be added to the list somewhere...

If You're Begging My Forgiveness..

You had better keep this blogthing in mind...

You Sometimes Hold a Grudge

You aren't exactly vengeful, but you're not going to forget when someone wrongs you. And while you'll forgive the small things, you don't hand out too many second chances to people who really screw up.

Do You Hold a Grudge?

This also holds true if you hurt someone I love, only then I'm even MORE likely to hold a grudge...

Gimme A "G"!

As in gratitude...

I need a good dose of it in order to preserve my sanity. I already know all of the things that I will never take for granted again, but there are also things that I realize that I should be grateful for right now...

Knowing how much my family loves me.
Having the time to develop friendships with people whom I may have otherwise neglected.
The time to complete some of my musical endeavors...

Oh, and I've developed a great talent for maneuvering a wheelchair through very tight spaces. Not something I ever thought that I would do!

Chinese Zodiac

I found these results to be interesting, since I was actually born in the year of the OX (1961)...

You Should Have Been Born Under:

You've got a ton of energy - and need plenty of room to roam. You tend to follow your whims, and it's hard for you to stick to one thing. Specific jobs, loves, and friends are always changing and never a part of your life for long. Very intuitive, you tend to know what people are thinking before they say a word. You are most compatible with a Dog or Tiger.

What Year Should You Have Been Born Under?

Obviously the Chinese Zodiac is not as accurate as the more traditional ones where my results always reveal me to be a Scorpio (100% correct). I'm going to have to find a placemat so I'll know what years were the years of the horse...

The Hairspray Hunks!

My days of confinement are down to less than a month now. Less than four weeks, in fact. I know that it is not so long a time, but it seems to stretch before me like an eternity...

Or like Robin McAuley's hair!



SO much hairspray!
~ giggles ~
I think I prefer that blonde guy....
(Who seems to have used his share of hairspray,too!)

It's So Damned Cold!

I really can't stand cold weather. I wish that I were able to convalese on a tropical island somewhere...

The chill in the air causes even the bones in my body which are not broken (all of them are intact save for the one) to ache. If I cannot be warm, the I want something lovely and warm to wrap around myself...



I bet that Michael would be nice and warm....

~ Drifts off into a land of warm fantasies ~

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm looking to these words for comfort...

I need something to comfort me.

Manic Monday

I don't usually do memes here, but Lisa's meme needed a new home this week...

Never Say Never

Have you ever made snowballs and preserved them in the freezer?
I can't recall ever having done this, but I know that a couple of the guys that I work with do this.
*$#@ Joe saved one in the freezer and threw it at me in July!

Have you ever had a cooking disaster?
Of course I have, why do you think that I don't cook anymore?!

Have you ever sent or received a piece of fan mail?
Sent? I refuse to answer that on the grounds that I might incriminate myself...
Received? My outspoken ways are more likely to bring me hate mail than fan mail!

The Group Whore Hath Spoken

One of the ways that I am holding on to my sanity these days is by my increasing active membership in many groups over on Last FM. I've met lots of great people in these groups. I'm having a great time with them and will be eternally greatful to them for their friendship in my time of need.

But there was just one little thing missing there...

Although someone had started a group for fans of Michael Schenker and I became a member, I just didn't feel comfortable there. These did not seem to me to be people who saw Michael as person. They seemed only to see the guitarist.

My feelings for Michael are very deep, and personal. I understand him to be a person much like all of the rest of us, with problems, joys and sorrows in his life. I do not take it lightly when people fault him for his humanity (i.e. addiction). I saw too much of this in that other fan group.

And so I started my own!

If you have a Last FM account and truly care about Michael I'd be more than happy to have you as a member of my community, just click here!

This Has Got To Stop

AS I begin to feel better physically, I feel more and more emotionally drained. No matter how much better I feel, what I can do still remains limited, not only because of restrictions imposed on me by my physician, but also because of the unwillingness of others around me to even TRY to do certain things. And so I get depressed. That is not good, so I work up a bit of enthusiasm and become ANGRY!

My wants are so simple...

I want to go somewhere... ANYWHERE... outside of this house.

I want to see my precious pets.

I want some freaking human contact. I want to sit next to someone on the sofa.

All of these things are perfectly within the realm of possibility, but I also know that they aren't going to happen. I might as well be wishing for it to be Michael Schenker on that sofa with me...

Yes... I shall retreat into a world of happy fantasy...
For just a little while...
Maybe I'll feel better...

Waiting On Parole

This is how I feel. My injury has me feeling as though I am in prison. For many reasons my physical contact with others is limited. I am seldom able to leave the confines of these three rooms in which I am trapped.(Only once in the past four weeks, to visit the doctor). I cannot get food or drink for myself. I cannot bathe normally. I am so damned dependent on others.

Quite frankly, this sucks!

At midnight I will have served half of my sentence, as of February 20 my parole officer (doctor) assures me that I will be set free.

I wonder if I can survive another month like this with my sanity intact...

I long for something to numb this helpless emptiness that I feel

I LONG FOR ALCOHOL, DAMMIT!!!

What A Girl Wants

I do not dream of the "perfect man." Perfect would be scary, I think. I am intrigued by a man with plenty of less-than-perfect qualities...

An even tempered fellow just wouldn't be right for me. I need to pitch a fit on occasion, even with the ones I love. There is no joy in pitching a fit on someone who does not fight back. A knock-down, drag out, let's throw shit at each other fight is very good for the soul every once in a while...

I need a guy with an addictive personality, for no other sort could understand the strange quirks of my personality or why they are there. Nobody who hasn't been there can handle my freaky shit and quite frankly, I can't handle normal.

I want a guy who has an appetite, and I ain't talking about food. None of this once a week shit! My injury is one that makes this a forbidden activity for the present time, but when I'm healed... Look out! I wanna make up for lost time!

Of course, I want a guy with a guitar. There has got to be some common intellectual ground and nothing is as important to me as the music, so...

Does anyone know a guy who could be my dream mate...

AW, FUCK, I know that I'm describing Michael Schenker!

Creative Let Down

I finished writing the lyrics for Sometimes The Angels. At first this left me feeling excited. The lyrics were exactly what I wanted them to be. The people who have read them have given me positive feedback. The music is coming along nicely...

So why am I feeling this let down?

This song is about Michael. It is FOR Michael. But I fear that no matter how I may present it to him, that he will see it not for the labor of love that it is, but just as something from a silly fan-girl, and an overaged one at that!

So, I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself right now.
I'll get over it, I suppose...

Strange And Random Thoughts For The Day

If I had named my oldest son after his uncle or great-gandfather, my children's names would be Rudolf and Michael!

For all of my life I had thought that my grandfather's name was spelled R-U-D-O-L-P-H. Until I spied an old bill of my grandma's that was still in his name. It was Rudolf!

I miss my pets!

Since I am no longer smoking, I wonder how long it will take before I save up enough to buy that lovely flying V...
(If the doctor bills don't eat away my savings)

Will I EVER get to see either of the two beautiful "Brothers Schenker" in concert?!

This concludes my mindless rambling for today...

Stumbling On The Steps

Not something that you'd think I'd be doing right now, until you consider that we're talking about 12 Steps.

I've been told that those twelve steps are all that anyone really needs to get through life's many difficulties. This is most likely true, but at the current time I seem to be tripping as soon as I hit the second step...

Step One: Admitted that we were powerless over (insert addiction or affliction here) and that our lives had become unmanageable.

I've got no problem with that. I know that I'm a nut case who tends to spiral out of control over oh-so-many things.

Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I've got no problem with there being a power out there that's greater than mine. I firmly believe that there are many of them!
The problem could well be that I am beginning to believe that the power I want to believe in right now is contained in a bottle of Bacardi, or Smirnoff, or...
Well, you get the picture!
It was easy for me to refuse addictive pain medication, but dammit I feel like alcohol is my friend!
There is nothing that sounds more appealing to me right now than to spend the next five weeks in a drunken stupor...

It's a good thing that there is no hard liquor in this house
(At least not anywhere that I can reach)

There is a bottle of Arbor Mist wine in the kitchen though...

SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

Sleeping With Michael Schenker!

Yeah, I wish!

But at least I've restored a bit of my normal routine.
Last night I went to sleep with Thank You 4.... playing on repeat on my mp3 player. I haven't yet figured out how to make a playlist of that album along with Adventures Of The Imagination, but when I do I'll be one happy camper.

I had so missed hearing Michael's guitar while I slept. It has such a positive effect on my dreams and therefore my outlook when I awaken.
Right now I need all of the positive influences that I can get!

THe drawback of using the mp3 player to listen to Michael as I sleep is that the battery is dead in the morning, but hey, I've got a charger!

Yep, it feels good to be jamming with Michael in my dreams again...



I only wish that I could do it in real life as well!

A Little Bit Of Joy

Woo hoo! I bought myself a CD today. I hadn't purchased one since the "accident". I was beginning to go through withdrawl. Normally I buy a couple of CDs every payday. I haven't been making my purchases recently because re-entering information on most sites is a pain in the you-know-what, especially if you are changing a shipping address. Let's face it, shipping to my PO box would be pointless right now!

So, it was Ebay and Pay Pal to the rescue for me.

The CD I purchased...



Lights Out - UFO

I wonder if I have a vinyl copy of this somewhere. I know that I listened to this stuff in the 70s, but I'm not sure if I owned it....

Meine Phantasie!

So, what exactly is it that I daydream about?

Michael Schenker, of course, but the content of my fantasies might surprise you...

I'm not going to say that none of my lovely daydreams about him are sexual. That would be an obvious lie. I'd love to run my hands over his pale skin, taste his lips, and all of that good stuff, but there are other levels on which I dream of us relating.

To just sit and talk about those things that trouble both of us. To get together and channel all of our combined pain, frustration, joy, and emotion into beautiful music, literally. I think that we could do it together.

I also feel a strong urge to protect him. From himself, at times; from others who would hurt him at other times. I want to hunt down every person who has ever caused him pain and make each of them pay.
A rather sick bit of fantasy, I know...

I look at Michael and wonder if anyone else sees in him what I do, something beautiful and fragile that longs for nothing more than to be loved...



I guess that what my fantasy is can be summed up fairly simply...
I want to love him in any way that I can.

Thursday Thirteen

Since yesterday was Michael Schenker's birthday, this week's thirteen is:

Thirteen things that I would have given Michael for his birthday
(If I could)

1. The two guitars that he lost. I know how he feels, as I have two missing guitars as well.

2. All of my love. Of course, he already has that. All he has to do is claim it!

3. Peace of mind. He-he, We could all use some of that!

4. Something to clip those nasty stringy monsters away...

5. Fifty-two birthday kisses!

6. A good lawyer to take care of his problems with the psycho exes!

7. A business manager who is smart enough not to book his shows in BARS!

8. A shoulder to cry on.

9.Health and happiness

10. A BIG chocolate birthday cake!
(or a yellow one, if he prefers)

11. A great big birthday hug!

12. A night of loving that he would never forget!

13. My understanding, love, and support, NO MATTER WHAT!

Happy Birthday, Michael!

If you were here with me I'd have plenty of birthday hugs and kisses for you...

Facing The Facts

Never! I just don't do it. It's not my way of thinking...

I am a firm believer in the fact that if you ignore something (anything) for long enough, it WILL go away!

Also, there is no problem so big that it can't be run away from...

Ah, the joy of the addictive personality.
I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I Feel...

Nervous - About tomorrow's trip to the doctor

Relieved - That I don't have to give myself any more Lovenox injections

Grateful - To my sister for picking up some much needed things for me at Wal Mart

Trapped - I've been stuck in these same three rooms for over two weeks

Restless - I wish that I could get up and move around

Irritable - I want a cigarette or a good stiff drink, neither of which is a good thing...

Gratitude!

This whole "broken bone, I can't do shit" experience is teaching me a hell of a whole lot about gratitude. I could use an online 12 step group meeting to share the lessons in gratitude that I'm learning as each day of this injury imposed hell passes.

When this is all over, I will be eternally grateful for the following things that I used to take for granted:

* The ability to sit in a bathtub and soak
* The ability to "do my duty" on a toilet and flush!
* The ability to go from room to room unassisted
* Being able to play with my big stupid dog!
* Being able to feed my clamouring kitties
* Being able to get myself a snack, drink, etc. whenever I want one
* Wearing my jeans and t-shirts
* Going for walks

And this is just some of the stuff I'm really going to appreciate.
I'm saving some more to post tomorrow!

51 Musical Questions Answered

1. What are you listening to right now?
Don't Come Around Here No More - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

2. What song makes you sad?
Eye To Eye - Scorpions

3. What is the most annoying song in the world?
My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion

4. Your all time favorite band?
Scorpions

5. Your newly discovered band is?
All:My:Faults

6. Best female voice?
Linda Ronstadt

7. Best male voice?
Klaus Meine (Scorpions)

8. Music types you find yourself listening to most?
Hair metal, hard rock, oldies...

9. What do you listen to hype you up?
Scorpions, Michael Schenker Group, UFO

10. What do you listen to when you want to calm down?
Thank You 4.... - Michael Schenker

11. Last gig/concert you went to?
Davy Jones

12. Band you find yourself listening to the most right now?
Michael Schenker Group

13. Most hated band?
Metallica

14. Song that makes you think?
White Dove - Scorpions

15. Band that you think the world should love as much as you do?
Michael Schenker Group

16. Coolest music video?
No One Like You - Scorpions



17. What do you play/would you play in the bedroom to spice things up?
Sex Bomb - Tom Jones
(LOL)

18. What song makes you yearning/longing/something of that sort?
You And I - Scorpions

19. Ever been in a mosh pit?
No, and I never wanted to be!

20. Are you in a band?
Not at the present time

21. Ever dated a musician?
Yes, albeit not a famous one...

22. Do you wish yourself that you were a musician?
I may not be a "professional" but that does not mean that I am NOT a musician...

23. Best chick band you know of?
Damn, that's a derogatory term for an all female band....
Vanilla Ninja

24. Last song that you heard on the radio/cd...etc...?
We Wish You Well - Whitesnake

25. What do you think of classical music?
Beautiful, relaxing, thought provoking

26. What do you think of country music?
It's not my favorite kind of music, but there is some of it that I enjoy.

27. What do you think of Death metal?
I've never really listened to it, so I cannot form an opinion.

28. Last BIG band that you saw live?
The Moody Blues, they've been around nearly as long as I've been alive. In my estimation, that makes them big!

29. Are you a groupie?
That is none of anybody's business...

30. Do you listen to music in foreign languages?
Yes

31. What famous musician would you invite to dinner?
Justin Hayward, that boy needs to eat more!

32. Worst concert moment?
Being harassesd by drunken assholes at an oldies concert (Monkees, Grassroots, etc). Dancing, singing along, and having a general good time is a part of the concert experience. If other people doing this offends you in your state of enebriation, perhaps you should STAY HOME!

33. Funny concert moment?
Michael Crawford swallowing a bug at Star Lake!

34. Sad concert moment?
The cancelled show of Nov. 2, 2006

35. Best local act you can think of?
Donnie Iris

36. If you were a musical instrument what would you be?
This one...


37. Do you listen to the radio?
No, I don't like preformatted musical selections. If I can't choose the music myself, I don't listen.

38. Do you watch music TV?
No, for the same reasons stated above...

39. Do you follow the music charts, like the top 40?
No, I have my own top 40!


40. Have you met any famous musicians?
Yes, Elvis Costello, John Lodge, Graeme Edge, Gary Puckett...

41. Are any of your friends/family/etc. musicians?
No

42. Song that best describes your feelings right now?
Turning Off The Emotion - Michael Schenker Group

43. Song that describes your life?
The Mess I've Made - Michael Schenker Group

44. Do you know the names of all the band members that you listen to?
Yes, to most of my favorite bands...

45. Does a musician’s physical attractiveness play a role in the music?
Sometimes, but not always...

46. What famous musician do you want to marry?
Michael Schenker, just the way he is!

47. Favorite movie soundtrack?
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

48. What do your parents listen to?
Polkas, show tunes....

49. What are you listening to right NOW?
Dust To Dust - Michael Schenker Group

50. Do you wear band T-shirts?
Yes...

51. What do you think of people who do?
Wear what you wish. I do not cast judgement.

Did I Really Need To Take This Quiz?

I hardly think so. It's definitely not telling me anything that I don't already know...

Your Personality is 86% Addictive

You tend to get addicted to everything - booze, dirty web sites, quizzes... Time for a few 12 step programs!

Do You Have an Addictive Personality?

I wonder how Michael would score on this one...

Michael Is Such A Doll!

I've sunk to new depths of boredom.
I've been creating Michael Schenker dolls...





Amusing, aren't they?!
Eventually I'll come up with a good likeness...

A Thing Of True Beauty

Call him the "Hump Day Hunk" if you'd like...



Whatever you choose to call him, Michael is still one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen!

Song Title Game

I thought that this would be easy to do.
It was more difficult than I expected, but a lot of fun!

Of course, I chose the Michael Schenker Group to provide the song titles for my answers!

Male or female: Shadow Lady
Describe yourself: Rock And Roll Believer
How do others think about you? Arachnophobiac
How do you think about yourself? Searching For A Reason
Describe your ex: Big Deal
Describe your girl-/boyfriend: Illusion
Where would you like to be? Life Vacation
Who would you like to be? Human Child
Describe your lifestyle: The Mess I've Made
Describe the way you love: Forever And More
And last, a few wise words: Rock Will Never Die

Why not give this a try with one of your favorite bands?
I'll do no tagging, but leave me a comment if you give it a try.

Trying To Get A Grip

It's a new year. I need to get a grip. I just don't seem to be able to. In six weeks or so things should be back to normal. But I fear that my sanity may be gone by then. I need someone to talk to. Someone who understands...

Barring that, I need some really good "happy pills."

Dammit! The addict in me really wishes that I had gone for some narcotics for pain relief.