God, Grant Me The Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change....

I thought that I had come to terms with this until someone mentioned to me that it was a year ago today that Joe died...
I found myself feeling near to tears and guilt ridden all over again.

This is why:

Joe was a big ol' biker dude. Pretty intimidating to look at, but a real sweetie. You couldn't find many nicer guys. But Joe had his problems with women, with addiction...

Since Joe lived on my route we often chatted.
On one particular occasion he told me that he'd like to have some good sex just one time before he committed suicide. Brushing it off as a really bad line for hitting on me I told him, "You don't want to do that, Joe. I'd probably be the one to find your dead rotting carcass, and I'd be traumatized for life! You don't want to do that to me, do you Joe?"

About a week later, Joe was dead. He filled himself with booze and pills and went out on his motorcycle (without a helmet) and crashed. Although it was officially ruled an accident, those who knew Joe know that it was suicide...

I kept thinking then (and today) that I should have known. I should have done something, said something, and maybe Joe would still be here...

I know that it is foolish to think this. That no person can control another's actions, but my heart tells me something different...

I miss Joe. I wish that there was something that I could do to set things right.